“I argue with myself a lot lately, I say argue instead of debate because it sometimes turns into silent shouting matches

that end in nothingness and are the least civil things one can experience. I argue about many things, most I cannot

remember ten minutes after I’m done with the whole thing. Recently I’ve been throwing around the topic of religion and

existence. I’ve found I have two very different thought processes, one leaning more toward hope and optimism and the

other completely nihilistic and self-destructive. It’s quite obvious which side is more prominent. This leads to some very

un times, and a bit of desperate struggling. One could say, and a few have that it’s bipolar or “schizophrenic

narcissism”

and it’s quite scary.

I’ve always known there was something wrong with me, but I never knew what. I live with an underlying feeling that

something is a little off. I keep wondering why I hate everyone, including myself. I can’t stand society and live a self

destructive lifestyle. I make choices without knowing the consequences and live with a constant feeling of hatred and anger. I

fail at things that only hurt me to get back at people, I try to run myself into the ground, overload myself with work, school,

homework and other things just to see how much I can take before breaking, it’s like a sick game to me. I’ve spent the last

few years trying to diagnose myself, to find out what’s wrong with me. You might be wondering why I just didn’t go to a

therapist to find that out. I did, and I failed at that too, for no reason I didn’t tell them anything and then just stopped going.

I’ve never had the ability to empathize and only truly care about one or two people.”

“My life is now one big pattern against user and I hate it, everyday is exactly the same, my now realized precious time is split

between school and a full time job. It’s monotony at its finest, which to some of you, after watching my personality for the

past few years seems like it fits me fine. I hate the feeling of being stuck in a loop, where it feels like the future is too far

away, the present is taking far too long, and the past is sprinting away from me. I often get wonder where the past 8 hours

of my life went, even though during that time all I wanted was it to pass. I need something to change, some kind of catalyst

to shatter the world I’m growing so uncomfortable in. I want something to shake it up a bit, and run away laughing at me. I

need my own Tyler Durden. I’m an adrenaline junkie with no fix, a matador waving a lonely red flag with no bull in sight.

Some people live to fight genocide, or find some bandwagon cause like opposing the current government and their

decisions. I currently have no desire to protect the environment, stop AIDS, prevent world hunger or any of the other

million causes people live for. I haven’t found the right one yet”